took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
