remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
