mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
