I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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