She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
