I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
