We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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