i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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