You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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