i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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