So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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