I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize