good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
