im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize