On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
