When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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