a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dicks are not precious.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
