My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
