I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
