The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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