What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
