god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
