I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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