You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
