There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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