i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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