life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
