my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
