I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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