His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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