her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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