I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
