All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
