The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
