You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
