Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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