You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
