Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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