Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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