I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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