last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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