I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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