i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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