I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
