She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
