Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
