Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
