Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
