I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
