oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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