It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
