Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
