Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
