I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
