my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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