Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
