My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize