We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize