fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
