This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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