Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
