cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Randomize
