ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
