The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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