Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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