if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
