Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
