Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
