If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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