Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
