I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
